Dad,
I know you don’t like computers very much but this was the only way that I could get something down on a piece of paper without my hands shaking every time I tried to write something to you. When I was told what had happened to you, I was at a loss for words.. I know ME at a loss for words. Totally unbelievable… I was and still am in complete shock. I don’t know if I’ll ever get through this but I know that you’d be right beside me wondering why I was crying so damn much and that it wasn’t getting me anywhere hahaha. You’ve taught me so much in this life that I am grateful for and treasure every moment. I’m happy that I was one of the lucky kids who was your child. I know I always hated it when you called me a kid and telling me I was getting old… you were the one getting old, old man. Hahah. I’ll never forget what I said to you on your 50th birthday I feel stupid for saying it now but it’ll never leave me.
There was so much that I wanted to tell you before you left. How proud I was of you… you may have thought that I didn’t know anything about the union stuff and was just asking stupid questions but it’s because I liked your explanation better, you made me understand things that no certified teacher could. I was proud of the fact that you were a fire fighter, and your brothers miss you, I’ve been saying a lot the past few days when people ask me how I’m doing… I say to them, yes… I may have lost my father but 100s of other men lost a brother.
The past few days have been the hardest to endure and I’m positive that the funeral will be the hardest and seeing you leaving me in body form will be really hard. You made me so proud of everything that you did and I couldn’t be happier for the time that I knew you. I’m proud that you’re my big Terr and I’m your Sara lee. I remember when mom you and I were watching ladder 49. Mom had to walk out of the room because she couldn’t handle what you were saying... this isn’t what it looks like its way darker. There are plenty of stories coming around and everyone misses you so much you were loved by so many people and the sopranos have everything under control. You were the boss, you were a brother, a son, a husband and most importantly my daddy… no I don’t want any money from you like you always thought I did. I want to say I’m sorry that I disappointed you in failing out of my first year of university I know that you were very upset with me and I truly felt terrible and didn’t want to ever do that to you. I never wanted to disappoint you and make you feel ashamed in a way. Basically what I wanted to tell you is that you’ll always be by my side when things get tough and I’ll never get your voice out of my head you’ll always be with me through everything important in my life. Tuesday will certainly be the toughest day and I always thought you’d be with me if I’d ever have to go through something tough... but your not completely there with me but I know that you are.
You’re here but not here, you’re gone but not gone, some way I’ll find a way to carry on.
Forever your Baby Girl,
Sara
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
<3
Daddy,
Holy crap guess what! I got to see The Eagles.. YES THE EAGLES!!!!!! I know it's pure insanity Denise and Dave bought two extra tickets so Sarah Braam and I.. you know who she is I played rugby with her at STU and she went to Saint Mac's and played rugby with me there. It was SOO much fun.. John Fogarty played too, he was amazing but wow can the Eagles ever put on a show Dad.. It was INSANE.
WE went up to Sussex after for Grampy's birthday party, Nanny' crazy as ever, you know that. I miss you though.. This shit gets harder to do everyday there's just so much that reminds me of you which makes it that much harder. I can't even stay at the camp, Jen and I keep having similar dreams which is creepy but comforting in the fact that I'm not the only one who's having them.
Daddy, I wish this didn't happen to you, you didn't do anything wrong and I just want to know what I must've done wrong to deserve this at such a young age. I'm asking questions that no one can give me the answer to, no one understands and that makes it that much harder.
I LOVE YOU
Sara
Holy crap guess what! I got to see The Eagles.. YES THE EAGLES!!!!!! I know it's pure insanity Denise and Dave bought two extra tickets so Sarah Braam and I.. you know who she is I played rugby with her at STU and she went to Saint Mac's and played rugby with me there. It was SOO much fun.. John Fogarty played too, he was amazing but wow can the Eagles ever put on a show Dad.. It was INSANE.
WE went up to Sussex after for Grampy's birthday party, Nanny' crazy as ever, you know that. I miss you though.. This shit gets harder to do everyday there's just so much that reminds me of you which makes it that much harder. I can't even stay at the camp, Jen and I keep having similar dreams which is creepy but comforting in the fact that I'm not the only one who's having them.
Daddy, I wish this didn't happen to you, you didn't do anything wrong and I just want to know what I must've done wrong to deserve this at such a young age. I'm asking questions that no one can give me the answer to, no one understands and that makes it that much harder.
I LOVE YOU
Sara
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
All I need are those shoulders to cry on.
Daddy,
So today seemed to be harder then alot of other days. I went to the dentist this morning and it's just the constant thing with people telling me how sorry they are for my loss, I start to cry.. in the dentist office.. like that's ridiculous. But I know that things will get better in time and I know that everyday you're giving me signs that keep me knowing that you'll always be there for me.
There's just so much more that I have to do in my life that I'm scared to do without you. And I'm scared that if I'm to happy that I shouldn't be.. but I know I shouldn't .. i don't know i know that i'm not making much sense I just haven't been lately.
Another thing, wow sussex was waaayy harder then i thought it would be. First thing I see when I walk in for some reason is the John Travolta picture haha which as kind of odd but it hurt to see. I spent the next two days laying in your hammock and reading just trying to keep my mind off of things. But until tomorrow daddy.
I Love you
Daddy's Baby Girl
So today seemed to be harder then alot of other days. I went to the dentist this morning and it's just the constant thing with people telling me how sorry they are for my loss, I start to cry.. in the dentist office.. like that's ridiculous. But I know that things will get better in time and I know that everyday you're giving me signs that keep me knowing that you'll always be there for me.
There's just so much more that I have to do in my life that I'm scared to do without you. And I'm scared that if I'm to happy that I shouldn't be.. but I know I shouldn't .. i don't know i know that i'm not making much sense I just haven't been lately.
Another thing, wow sussex was waaayy harder then i thought it would be. First thing I see when I walk in for some reason is the John Travolta picture haha which as kind of odd but it hurt to see. I spent the next two days laying in your hammock and reading just trying to keep my mind off of things. But until tomorrow daddy.
I Love you
Daddy's Baby Girl
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I've lost the only man I've ever loved; now I'm broken.
Dear Dad,
So it's been a grand total on 19 days since you passed away and it seems to me that every day gets so much harder. I don't know what to do with myself I'm totally lost without you, who will push me now. I know I've got mom and jen and josh and pat, but really they only go so far when all a girl needs is her daddy.
Dad, I was angry at first, I didn't know how to deal with it. I still don't know how to deal with it. It's so hard it's unbelievable. I'm too young to have to bury my father. I have mixed emotions and still have no idea how I'm going to be able to cope with this in the long run. Everyone's been telling me that I'm so strong to be there for everyone else and not taking the time for myself. People have been telling me that maybe I should go get counseling and I'm starting to think that maybe they're right and I should go. But what am i supposed to say to the, I don't know what to say I don't know what to do. I'm lost in this world without you. No matter what anyone says I'm never going to be fully okay, yeha I'll live my life the way that I should but you'll always be there and you'll always be a part of me. I'm scared of that. I don't want to lose you but I don't know how to deal with everything that's put in front of me.
I'm sick and tired of people treating me like some kind of child. I'm more mature then that and you knew that. It's terrible because in your eyes I was always your baby girl and I always will be but... I don't know I didn't want this to happen. We've had our ups and downs but in the end you always did what was best for me. I'm scared Dad, truly and honestly scared shitless of what I have to do for myself now. I don't want to go on anymore without you, I'm not saying that I'm going to commit suicide or anything, I'm not lying I have before but that doesn't solve anything that creates problems. I'm too young to have to have this to deal with, too young to have to live the rest of my life without a father. Too young to really live without living, which is what is happening to me right now, I'm living and I can see everything around me going and I just stop and stare I can't seem to actually live with the thought of you not there with me. I knew that it would come someday but this is way to soon.
What Is A Dad?
A dad is someone who
wants to catch you before you fall
but instead picks you up,
brushes you off,
and lets you try again.
A dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you get hurt.
A dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail...
They say that from the instant he lays eyes on her, a father adores his daughter. Whoever she grows up to be, she is always to him that little girl in pigtails. She makes him feel like Christmas. In exchange, he makes a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes or the secrets she keeps.
So it's been a grand total on 19 days since you passed away and it seems to me that every day gets so much harder. I don't know what to do with myself I'm totally lost without you, who will push me now. I know I've got mom and jen and josh and pat, but really they only go so far when all a girl needs is her daddy.
Dad, I was angry at first, I didn't know how to deal with it. I still don't know how to deal with it. It's so hard it's unbelievable. I'm too young to have to bury my father. I have mixed emotions and still have no idea how I'm going to be able to cope with this in the long run. Everyone's been telling me that I'm so strong to be there for everyone else and not taking the time for myself. People have been telling me that maybe I should go get counseling and I'm starting to think that maybe they're right and I should go. But what am i supposed to say to the, I don't know what to say I don't know what to do. I'm lost in this world without you. No matter what anyone says I'm never going to be fully okay, yeha I'll live my life the way that I should but you'll always be there and you'll always be a part of me. I'm scared of that. I don't want to lose you but I don't know how to deal with everything that's put in front of me.
I'm sick and tired of people treating me like some kind of child. I'm more mature then that and you knew that. It's terrible because in your eyes I was always your baby girl and I always will be but... I don't know I didn't want this to happen. We've had our ups and downs but in the end you always did what was best for me. I'm scared Dad, truly and honestly scared shitless of what I have to do for myself now. I don't want to go on anymore without you, I'm not saying that I'm going to commit suicide or anything, I'm not lying I have before but that doesn't solve anything that creates problems. I'm too young to have to have this to deal with, too young to have to live the rest of my life without a father. Too young to really live without living, which is what is happening to me right now, I'm living and I can see everything around me going and I just stop and stare I can't seem to actually live with the thought of you not there with me. I knew that it would come someday but this is way to soon.
What Is A Dad?
A dad is someone who
wants to catch you before you fall
but instead picks you up,
brushes you off,
and lets you try again.
A dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you get hurt.
A dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail...
They say that from the instant he lays eyes on her, a father adores his daughter. Whoever she grows up to be, she is always to him that little girl in pigtails. She makes him feel like Christmas. In exchange, he makes a secret promise not to see the awkwardness of her teenage years, the mistakes she makes or the secrets she keeps.
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