Letter to my Dad that I left with him.

Dad,

I know you don’t like computers very much but this was the only way that I could get something down on a piece of paper without my hands shaking every time I tried to write something to you. When I was told what had happened to you, I was at a loss for words.. I know ME at a loss for words. Totally unbelievable… I was and still am in complete shock. I don’t know if I’ll ever get through this but I know that you’d be right beside me wondering why I was crying so damn much and that it wasn’t getting me anywhere hahaha. You’ve taught me so much in this life that I am grateful for and treasure every moment. I’m happy that I was one of the lucky kids who was your child. I know I always hated it when you called me a kid and telling me I was getting old… you were the one getting old, old man. Hahah. I’ll never forget what I said to you on your 50th birthday I feel stupid for saying it now but it’ll never leave me.

There was so much that I wanted to tell you before you left. How proud I was of you… you may have thought that I didn’t know anything about the union stuff and was just asking stupid questions but it’s because I liked your explanation better, you made me understand things that no certified teacher could. I was proud of the fact that you were a fire fighter, and your brothers miss you, I’ve been saying a lot the past few days when people ask me how I’m doing… I say to them, yes… I may have lost my father but 100s of other men lost a brother.

The past few days have been the hardest to endure and I’m positive that the funeral will be the hardest and seeing you leaving me in body form will be really hard. You made me so proud of everything that you did and I couldn’t be happier for the time that I knew you. I’m proud that you’re my big Terr and I’m your Sara lee. I remember when mom you and I were watching ladder 49. Mom had to walk out of the room because she couldn’t handle what you were saying... this isn’t what it looks like its way darker. There are plenty of stories coming around and everyone misses you so much you were loved by so many people and the sopranos have everything under control. You were the boss, you were a brother, a son, a husband and most importantly my daddy… no I don’t want any money from you like you always thought I did. I want to say I’m sorry that I disappointed you in failing out of my first year of university I know that you were very upset with me and I truly felt terrible and didn’t want to ever do that to you. I never wanted to disappoint you and make you feel ashamed in a way. Basically what I wanted to tell you is that you’ll always be by my side when things get tough and I’ll never get your voice out of my head you’ll always be with me through everything important in my life. Tuesday will certainly be the toughest day and I always thought you’d be with me if I’d ever have to go through something tough... but your not completely there with me but I know that you are.

You’re here but not here, you’re gone but not gone, some way I’ll find a way to carry on.

Forever your Baby Girl,
Sara

<3

Daddy,

Holy crap guess what! I got to see The Eagles.. YES THE EAGLES!!!!!! I know it's pure insanity Denise and Dave bought two extra tickets so Sarah Braam and I.. you know who she is I played rugby with her at STU and she went to Saint Mac's and played rugby with me there. It was SOO much fun.. John Fogarty played too, he was amazing but wow can the Eagles ever put on a show Dad.. It was INSANE.

WE went up to Sussex after for Grampy's birthday party, Nanny' crazy as ever, you know that. I miss you though.. This shit gets harder to do everyday there's just so much that reminds me of you which makes it that much harder. I can't even stay at the camp, Jen and I keep having similar dreams which is creepy but comforting in the fact that I'm not the only one who's having them.

Daddy, I wish this didn't happen to you, you didn't do anything wrong and I just want to know what I must've done wrong to deserve this at such a young age. I'm asking questions that no one can give me the answer to, no one understands and that makes it that much harder.

I LOVE YOU
Sara